Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Thoughts About Thoughts

How many can my mind possibly have at one time? And how is it that when my mind is most full, my page is most bare? Out of all the hundreds of things that raced through my head today, I had literally only 1 clear thought. I know nothing.

Now, this probably sounds like the beginning of something dark. Like a deep depression is brewing and soon you will be visiting me on a ward somewhere, comparing notes with each other to determine whether I look any better than the day before and commenting on the lifeless look in my eyes and how you think, or hope, it’s just the medication.

Well, put all your crazy fears aside. It was a wonderful moment and I will explain.

I know nothing. That was my one clear thought. A beautiful thought. This thought flooded my being with a sweet freedom. See, you have to understand something about me. I like to know things. This is probably why my daughter’s nosey interruptions into every conversation I have bother me like they do. She is so me, and to be honest, I annoy me.

I used to wonder why God punished all of mankind for the sins of two people. If I had been the first woman, surely I would have seen right through the serpent’s temptation and chosen obedience. Yeah, who am I kidding? Knowledge of good and evil, you say? You mean someone knows something that I don’t? The only real question is “would I have been as quick to fall as Eve...or quicker?” I just can’t stand to know that someone knows something I don’t.

Each time I was pregnant, I imagined how wonderful it would be to find out the gender of my new little one on the day of their birth. At ultrasound appointments, I wished that I had the strength to say with conviction, “No. We do not want to know the sex of the baby until he, or she, is born.” Only once did I find that strength, and I certainly didn’t have it on my own. Had I had another ultrasound with Garrett, I am confident I would have caved. The thought of an ultrasound tech knowing something that I did not know, tortured me.

Yes. I like to know things. And not just about things that involve me. If not for the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I would be all about gossip. Even with God working in me I am not innocent of it but left to be my natural self I would pull up a chair and get good and comfy with anyone willing to talk. I just like to know things.

There are things that I could literally drive myself insane trying to figure out. I want to know. I want to know why God allowed my miscarriage. I want to know when my marriage will be restored. I want to know what will become of my writing. I want to know where I should be in life. I want to put all the pieces together, see the big picture, figure it out, and know.

Almost worse than all the things I want to know but don’t, are the things I think I know but don’t. What I see and what I think determine what I “know”. I can know what is wrong with someone else. I can know what will surely happen in a situation. Only at a closer look can I see the judgment and pride masquerading as “knowledge”.

So, today, my head crowded with thoughts I couldn’t process, God gave me one that was clear. I know nothing. And with that thought came peace. I am at peace with that because God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, they are higher. And I know God. My flesh wants desperately to know many things. My soul wants to know the God who knows it all.
Sweet freedom. It is a freedom from this need to make sense of my thoughts. I am going to go set aside everything to fill my heart and mind with God’s Word. Lord, You are all I need to know.